25 Years of Life: A Reflection

Last year on my birthday I wrote a blog post reflecting on 24 years of life. I enjoyed writing it so much, that I figured it would be a good tradition each year to use my birthday as an opportunity to reflect on my life. I'll most likely keep this entry much shorter than the one I did last year.

in my mind, life is a culmination of successes and failures. The successes are moments where, perhaps against odds, perhaps despite the temptation to do otherwise, a person does the right thing and accomplishes something worthwhile. There can be different measures of success, some successes might be as simple as doing a homework assignment for a class when you are feeling lazy. Other successes could be huge, like winning a gold medal at the Olympics. My life has contained several successes. I'm going to outline a few of these now.

Completing my mission was a huge success. There were moments on my mission of absolute despair where I felt like giving up. I felt like I was not up to the task and that I was not qualified to do the work I was doing. Mostly, I realized that my shyness really hindered me, and I worried that it placed an unnecessary burden on my companions who inevitably had to pick up my slack. However, I stuck with it. Not only did I simply manage to last two years, but I accomplished much good and learned several valuable lessons. Sometimes I don't realize how much of an accomplishment this truly was.

Another success involves my experience at college. It was a victory just to get accepted to BYU, which required me to perform well in High School. However, I was able to graduate with a Bachelor's Degree in Psychology just a few months ago. This achievement required a great measure of sacrifice as I took a lot of time to study and write papers to make sure I understood the material and could pass my classes. I survived a difficult stretch of time where I abandoned my first major and searched desperately for a new one. But, once I chose Psychology, I knew there was no more time to waver from that choice and I needed to stick with it until the end. I am proud that I did, and I need to make sure to use this success as a foundation for future success.

It was also a success to get the job I had at Independent Study. I am the first to admit that I struggle when it comes to getting a job. My shyness tends to make it difficult for me to be able to ask for applications or to do well in an interview. But, I felt that I pushed through my discomfort and did all I could to make sure I would get that job. And I performed well within the job so that I could keep it for the duration of my time at BYU.

There are more successes in my life, but these are the ones that particularly stick out. However, life is made up of failures too, and I've had my fair share of them. When it comes to failures, the important thing is to be able to learn from them and not dwell on them and let them consume you. This is my great challenge in life. I have a tendency to look at all my past failures often and feel that they define me more than my successes do. For some reason I highlight my failures and come to the unfair conclusion that I am a bad person.

Some notable failures include when it took me five tries to pass my drivers test. This may seem trivial now, but I still cringe at the thought of the minor mistake I made on each test that led to me getting rejecting. It was tough to deal with at the time, and there was a point where I thought I would never drive. Another failure is specific points on my mission where I was unable to get over my fears of talking to people. I would have my companion talk to people when I couldn't. I felt uncomfortable when I was taken out of my comfort zone and had to go on exchanges. There were moments where I felt that if I didn't have a companion at all times who was extremely skilled and spiritual, I would have nothing to show for my two years of service.

I feel I failed at dating. I put my heart out there and was rejected, and I still don't really understand why. All I can conclude is that I was just too inexperienced and shy to be able to fulfill her needs. I feel like a failure especially this summer as I have been unsuccessful in my job search. I have applied to several places, but fear once again keeps me from doing all that I could be doing. I also fear that I have made the wrong choice of a major and that I now don't have the necessary skill to have a good career.

But, even though my failures are many, I need to not let them define who I am. I need to learn from these mistakes, and remember that there have also been numerous successes as well. And, if I have been able to succeed in the past, there is certainly hope for success in the future. My life has been full of ups and downs, moments of perfect happiness and what felt like endless despair. But, it is important that when I look back, I emphasize the high points and remember that I am a good person who has true potential. Yes, I have failed, but so has everyone. The true test is how I deal with these failures. If I feel that my life is defined by my failures, I am doomed to re-live them. But, if instead of dwelling on them, I can learn from them, I can turn them into successes and have a much happier and fulfilling life.

New Blog: At The End Of The Day

I have created a new blog called "At The End Of The Day". The link can be found on the right side of the screen, or you can click on the following link: At The End The Day . I created two blogs in the past called "Leviathan" and "So Many Shows" which I have never been able to regularly keep up for some reason. So, I have combined the ideas behind those two blogs and created the new blog "At The End Of The Day". My hope with this new blog is to add a new entry every day about something that made me happy or excited that particular day. This could be new music I've discovered, a new show or movie I'm excited about, or just some experience I had that day. The entries will most likely vary in length, and may end up being very short. But, I'm hoping I will be consistent in posting there each day. So, please visit that blog if you are interested!

Fun At Disneyworld Part 2

After our fun day at Epcot, we decided we needed some rest, so we took things easy the next day at Animal Kingdom, which I was grateful for. We first went on the ride Dinosaur, which was one of my favorites in all of Disneyworld. It basically has the same track as the Indiana Jones ride at Disneyland, but instead of Indiana Jones, you travel in a time machine back to the time of Dinosaurs and try to find a specific Dinosaur before the impending meteor. It was a lot of fun! After that, I rested while Kevin went on his favorite ride in all of Disneyworld, Expedition Everest. We then had lunch at a nice restaurant and headed to the Kilimanjaro Safaris, where you take a ride in a truck and see many real animals in their natural habitat with the driver as your guide. It was really a nice safari and cool to see the different animals such as giraffes, elephants, and lions.

After that ride, Kevin went on Expedition Everest one more time while I shopped for souvenirs. We left that night and went back to our hotel room and had hamburgers for dinner which Kevin went and bought at a bar. The next two days we went to Hollywood Studios, which I thought was a lot of fun. We went on the Great Movie Ride, which is where you travel through different movie scenes such as Wizard of Oz, Alien, and Indiana Jones. At one point, while you are in the scene of a gangster movie, one of the gangsters actually comes out of the scene and hijacks the car that you are riding and becomes the new tour guide, only to be killed later so the original tour guide could return. It was a lot of fun. Also fun was the American Idol experience where you become the American Idol audience and people who auditioned that day compete for an audience vote. It was fun hearing the different talent and getting to vote for my favorite. What was also cool was that the winner of each show during the day participated in a finale show and the winner of the finale show would receive a golden ticket that allowed them to go to the front of the line for any American Idol audition throughout the country. I enjoyed the American Idol Experience so much that I went a second time without Kevin.

We also went on Star Tours, which was identical to the Disneyland version. We attended the Indiana Jones Stunt Show, which was incredible and featured live stunt men reenacting scenes from the movie. After that, we went on the Studio Backlot Tour, which featured a tram tour through the Backlot, and some demonstrations of different stunts. We went into a place that had props from the movie Prince Caspian and then to an exhibit that showed the history of Walt Disney and how his dreams became a reality, which was really cool to see. That day we also went on Toy Story Mania, which is where you go through and use a kind of gun to shoot at things and try to earn points. The line was incredibly long, I believe the wait was up to over two hours at one point. Luckily Kevin and I had fastpasses, so the wait wasn't as long for us. That night we attended the Fantasmic show, which takes place in a theater specifically built for the show. I thought it was really cool, although Kevin was disappointed that instead of the part with Peter Pan that they have at Disneyland, they had a scene from Pocahontas. Also, the dragon that is supposed to come out at the end didn't quite work right, so that was a little disappointing. But, besides that it was a great show.

After that day, we switched hotels and stayed at All Star Movies, which was not as nice as the first hotel we stayed at, but fun in its own way. We spent the last 3 days of our trip going back to the parks and re-doing the rides we liked the best. We had lunch with Erin at Hollywood Studios on one of the days. After that, Kevin and her went on the Aerosmith Roller Coaster while I stayed behind and went to the 3D Muppetvision show. After that, Erin left, and Kevin and I went to a stunt show that involved cars driving backwards and lots of explosions. It was really awesome! On our next day we went to Epcot and attempted to eat around the world, meaning have some kind of food from each of the different countries. We got to America, and then were too full to eat anymore, so we were only able to eat halfway around the world. On our final day we returned once again to The Magic Kingdom and had fun repeating all of our favorite rides from there. It was great!

So, all in all, the trip was tons of fun and I'm really glad I went! Disneyworld doesn't have quite the same magic as Disneyland, but there is so much to do and it is so much fun!

Note: Sorry it has taken me so long to write this entry! I'll probably write another one soon where I go through what else has happened this summer (which unfortunately isn't much).

Fun At Disneyworld Part 1

This past week, I went to Disneyworld with Kevin to celebrate our graduation from BYU. We had been planning this trip for quite some time, so it was exciting to see it actually become a reality. We left early (early for me at least) to go to the Salt Lake Airport. I always get nervous in airports, but everything went really smoothly, and I enjoyed the flight to Orlando because I got to play trivia with other people on the plane, including Kevin, and I even ended up with the highest score of the whole plane ride. I was also able to listen to a lot of great music on my ipod while doing this. It was really a blast! That first day we basically just made sure we got into our hotel and were settled in. We did go to Downtown Disney that night for a little bit, which was when I first realized that this was going to be a very hot week, the weather was really humid and hot which was uncomfortable until I got used to it a little more throughout the week.

The next day, we started our Disneyworld adventures at the Magic Kingdom. This is basically the part of the park that most closely matches Disneyland. I went to Disneyworld about 15 years ago when I was 10, but I didn't really remember the Magic Kingdom at all. So, it was all basically a new experience for me. Kevin and I spent the morning in Fantasyland going on Peter Pan, It's A Small World (both are not quite as good as the Disneyland version in my opinion) and Snow White and Winnie the Pooh (which are both superior to the Disneyland version in my opinion). Then, we met up with Erin for lunch at a hot dog place that she is a huge fan of. We then went on all the other Magic Kingdom rides, included my personal favorite, Mickey's Philharmagic. This was a 3D movie in which Donald Duck goes through several other Disney movies. It is really creative, fun, and most importantly for me, not too intense. We also went on The Haunted Mansion, Pirates of the Carribean, The Jungle Cruise, Country Bear Jamboree, Tiki Room, Stitch's Great Escape, Monster's Inc. Laugh Floor, and the Carousel of Progress. Of course, Kevin and Erin also went on Splash Mountain, Thunder Mountain and Space Mountain while I waited, since I'm not a fan of big drops or fast, roller coaster rides. It was a really fun day, and we were able to see The Main Street Electrical Parade and the big fireworks show at night.

The next day we spent at Epcot, which is probably my favorite of the four Disneyworld parks. I remembered a little bit more of this park from my childhood. Before we got to Epcot though, we met up with Erin at a restaurant to eat breakfast with Disney characters. I wasn't sure what to do when the Disney characters came to our table, but it ended up being a lot of fun, and I got several cool pictures with the different characters (Donald, Mickey, Minnie, and Goofy). After that we took the monorail to Epcot. There are basically two parts to Epcot, the Future World and the World Showcase. We started in the Future World and went on several rides. My favorite was Soarin', which takes you on a hang glider through various parts of California. I also went on Spaceship Earth, which is inside the big golf ball and takes you through a perspective of Earth's history. I also went on a ride called Living with the Land, which is a slow moving boat ride that takes you through all the agricultural advancements that Disney is working on.

After spending time in the Future World part, we began our journey through the World Showcase, which is basically where they have representations of 11 different countries. We started in Canada, where we watched a really cool movie about Canada. At this point my legs got really sore and it became difficult to walk, which was unfortunate since we had a lot of walking in store this day. But, I kept on through England and then on to France where we watched another movie, this time of course about France. I was so exhausted that I took the opportunity to take a nap while the movie played (don't worry though, we went back another day and this time I actually stayed awake for the movie!). Also, at this point I was getting really hungry, which I think contributed to my fatigue since I hadn't eaten anything since breakfast and it was now approaching dinner time. We made reservations to eat in China, so we made our way over to the restaurant which was about 5 countries away. After eating, though, I felt better, and we went to Mexico and went on the little boat cruise through Mexico with the Three Cabelleros, which was entertaining. We then went on a ride in Norway called Maelstrom that takes you through some viking lands and then has you go down a short waterfall. It was a lot of fun. After this we headed to Japan, mainly to get a spot to wait for the fireworks show, illuminations. I needed to sit down since my legs were really sore at this point, so I waited alone while Kevin ran around Epcot getting candy bars and Erin spent time shopping around Japan (her favorite country). They stood in a different spot for the fireworks show for a better view while I stayed sitting. After illuminations, we left Epcot and got much needed rest for our next day....

...and I'm starting to realize that this is going to be a really long entry, so I'm going to end part 1 here and continue on in a later post. Stay tuned for our time in the Animal Kingdom and Hollywood Studios...

The End (?)

Life feels strange right now. Almost as if it is not real. I have moments where I reflect and realize how odd things are. I feel I'm at the end. Everything that kept me going is ending. As I faced this extremely difficult last semester, I kept thinking ahead to several things in the future that would give me hope and happiness. One of those things was the big Transatlantic concert which was absolutely fantastic. The other occurred just two days ago- the Lost finale. The finale was even more incredible than I expected it to be. The only thing really left for me is my big Disneyworld trip in a couple weeks with Kevin. After that it is all over. What is there to look forward to? The last Lost episode was appropriately called The End, and I feel that is an accurate title to this part of my life.

So, what is the logical next step? Either I give up- have nothing to look forward to and go through a long period of hopelessness. Or, the better option, I find something new to look forward to. I'm struggling to find this new thing as I start to feel like the future for me isn't too bright. I have crippling doubts of ever having a successful career or a family of my own. I'm starting to really think there is something truly wrong with me- that I'm not capable of accomplishing what any "ordinary" person can easily accomplish. This is a problematic viewpoint and maybe this very outlook about myself is what is keeping me from progression.

These past few weeks have been particularly uneventful. I've been trying with great effort to find a job, but so far I haven't been successful. I'm starting to run out of options about where to apply and it is terrifying me. I did decide last week to go home for a week to be with family. I thought it was a great opportunity to see my family since I didn't have any obligations tying me down to being in Provo. I really enjoyed my time at home. I was worried my parents would scold me about not finding a job faster and it would make me even more depressed, but they were very understanding and fair. I felt like I got to spend good quality time with each family member and I even got a nice visit to my grandmother and uncle. I even surprisingly extended my trip a couple of days because I desired to spend more time with my family. I also was able to get a new pair of glasses and get new tires for my car. So, all in all, I felt like it was a very successful trip.

Coming back to Provo and trying to really put strong effort into finding a job hasn't helped me feel any better though. I just feel an emptiness right now that I can't describe. I'm trying to simply fill my days with productivity to deal with this. I'm planning on spending a good portion of each day looking for jobs and writing my novel. I also want to start to be more dedicated to a simple exercise program. I hate having nothing to do each day, so hopefully these goals will keep me from the boredom that is watching TV all day. Much to everyone's surprise, I do not enjoy staring at a TV screen all day. One of the stereotypes about me that people have (I'm mainly talking about my family) is that if it was up to me I'd watch TV and play guitar hero all day, every day. This stereotype is incorrect. In reality, this would be torture for me. I hate not being productive- I like having school and/or work to make me feel like I'm accomplishing something with my life. I need to have a better variety of interests so I can make life interesting and not waste hours staring at a screen.

Even though I obviously haven't been going through the best time in my life, there have been really great moments. Music has been inspiring me to a great degree lately. I have recently received what I consider to be the greatest CD so far of the year- the new Spock's Beard album "X". Kevin ordered the super special deluxe edition of this album for me for Christmas and it finally arrived last week. It was so exciting to open the package it came in and discover all of the cool goodies. The best part though is that I'm listed in the album as an executive producer and my name is sung in the lyrics of one of the songs of this album. It was such a blast listening for my name in the song. The album is by far the best Spock's Beard album after Neal Morse left, and may even be better than some of the albums Neal was a part of. I'm really blown away by what my favorite band has accomplished here, and I'm positive I'll be listening to this album nonstop for a long time.

Also profound to me was the finale of Lost. I will admit that I was in tears for much of the episode. Lost is BY FAR the best TV show of all time in my opinion. I'm glad that the finale focused on the characters the fans have come to love so much and I feel the ending was perfect. I am sad that there is no new Lost episodes ever, but I couldn't have asked for a more satisfying finale. The next big event to look forward to now is the Disneyworld trip that Kevin and I have been planning for a while. It should be a whole lot of fun, and it'll be cool to see Erin in Florida. Thankfully there is this one thing to look forward to and keep me going for the next little bit. Hopefully I can use this time to find the next thing to look forward to.

Perhaps I shouldn't look at this stage of my life as an ending...but a beginning. I've laid the foundation, now I have the rest of my life to look forward to. Maybe what is making me so sad is that I'm focusing on the wrong thing and am not giving myself enough credit for what I've accomplished thus far. I need to realize my true potential. I need to put aside these irrational, crippling fears. I need to start living. Life is a special gift and I need to not toss it aside. I want to enjoy life. I want to be happy with who I am. I have a long way to go.

The Garden of Forking Paths

I feel lost. I feel alone. I don't know what to do with myself and it scares me. I've always had a routine to numb me from the fear of an unknown future. My routine is being stripped away and I'm soon about to face my greatest fear. I don't know how to handle it. Every reminder of what is coming is like a dagger to my heart. Why do I feel this void of emptiness? What can I do to fill this void?

Hopelessness is one of the worst feelings one can experience and I feel it about to consume me. I don't have any clear direction for my life. I feel extremely overwhelmed and don't feel I am appropriately prepared for the future ahead of me. I wish I was brave. I wish I was confident. But, I sadly am not.

I feel like I am losing everything. My friends. My family. My comfort. Soon I will truly be alone and that thought terrifies me. I definitely feel that a chapter in my life is ending and the blank pages that are the next chapter stare at me menacingly, daring me to write on them. I wish I could have built myself a better foundation so that this turning point in my life wouldn't be so scary. However, I have allowed comfort and fear keep me from preparing appropriately and I'm paying the price now.

Life is like a garden of forking paths. Every choice gives multiple possibilities to where life can lead. There are an infinite amount of possible futures based on the decisions we make. Some are more likely than others, but oftentimes life is unpredictable and a path you would have never expected ends up being the path you follow. Right now I have a big decision to make, a forking path where I could go one of many directions. I just hope I make the right choice and go down a pleasing path that will lead to fulfillment. If only I could have a flash forward and see myself in several years (or months even) to give some idea of where I'll be, or even give me some measure of confidence about where my life is headed. But, a vision of the future could be a curse as I bring to pass that future just because I have seen it and believe that my future has been determined. This would be especially bad if my vision of the future wasn't the most appealing- it could lead to despair and more hopelessness.

The future is not set. It is ever changing depending on the choices that are made. The forking paths lead to infinite possibilities and I need to make the choices that will lead me down the most fulfilling pathway. I need to not view this as terrifying, but as exciting. There are many possibilities for me in my life, many of which are positive and full of happiness. I need to focus on these positive possibilities and not feel like my life has already been predetermined down a path of misery and loneliness. As I try to change my view, I will "smile and act like everything is alright" even though I am in turmoil inside. There are still glimpses of my past chapter that will keep me satisfied until I write the new one. The danger, however, is staying in the same chapter and never moving on due to fear, staying perpetually stuck in the beginning of the book of life and not having a satisfying ending.

Note: This blog post is mainly due to having a boring week without much to write about and wanting to exercise my creative juices. I'm not depressed, just scared of an unknown future as I'm sure many in my position are.

Transatlantic- All Of The Above