Transatlantic- All Of The Above

Graduation

This is where "real" life begins. I am done with school (for now) and need to figure out what to do with my life. Last week I attended my graduation and in two weeks I won't have a job. I'm scared. But, life is all about growth and how can I grow unless I am forced outside my comfort zone and made to do something new and difficult?

Before I talk too much about my fears for the future, I should relate what has happened in the past week. Last Monday through Wednesday I focused on finals (ok, maybe I really didn't focus much on finals on Monday, but I promise I did on Tuesday and Wednesday!). I had only two finals- one was super easy for my music appreciation class. I studied for about 40 minutes Tuesday morning and then went to the testing center to take it. My other final was considerably harder and was scheduled for 2:30 on Wednesday. I studied from the moment I woke up on Wednesday (around 8:00) right up until I had to go take the final. I was a little late getting to my final (mainly because I was selling some textbooks back) and it started pouring rain as I started walking from the parking lot to the building where I was to take my final. I was only wearing a t-shirt and shorts because I didn't think it would rain, so I was late and drenched and ended up having to take the final on the floor of the classroom since all the seats were taken. I was so wet I was dripping water onto my blue book and I had to take my glasses off because they were filled with water spots and I couldn't see my final. I had to write four essays, and I feel I did pretty well. My mind went blank for a minute on the last essay, but I recovered pretty well as I started writing it and things started coming to my mind. I hope I did well on that final, I should find out this week.

After that final, I went and picked up my cap and gown and then waited for my mom and grandparents to get into town that night. When my mom got into town she called me and I went over so that we could spend some time together. We watched American Idol and prepared for the graduation the next day. The next day I got a haircut from my mom in the morning and then headed to the commencement with Kevin. Now, before I get into how the commencement went, I want to admit that I was really nervous about graduation. I knew it would be crowded and crazy, and I didn't know much about how things were going to happen beforehand, which added to my nerves. But, I was happy that things ended up working out really well and my nerves were mostly unnecessary.

At the commencement we all lined up in different lines according to the college we belong to, which unfortunately meant that Kevin was in a line at the complete opposite side of the parking lot from me. So, I was very much alone and didn't really know anyone around me in my line. But, it didn't end up mattering all that much. We all walked to the Marriot Center and took our seats and I was amazed with the huge number of graduates and family there was in the Marriot Center- in fact I thought they were going to run out of room for the graduates in the Marriot Center. The ceremony itself was really awesome, and as I walked out of the Marriot Center, I saw my mom and grandparents and their excitement, and it was really a cool feeling to finally start realizing how big a step this was.

Outside of the Marriot Center I quickly spotted Kevin and his girlfriend Amy and we waited for our families. It was nice to hug my family members and receive their congratulations. I'm truly grateful to my family for coming, especially my grandparents, they had to travel quite far and my grandma wasn't feeling well, but they said they wouldn't miss it for anything. After they left and after witnessing Kevin ringing the victory bell (I made sure he rang it once for me too) I rode home with Kevin and got ready then went to my mom's hotel to spend time with my grandparents and mom watching Survivor. It was nice to spend time with part of my family.

The next day were the convocations, which I was even more nervous for because I had to actually walk up to the dean and receive my (fake) diploma. I got to the Marriot Center an hour before and had some difficulty finding the line I belonged in. But, it worked out fine, and I sat in my seat and began what was an almost two hour wait for my name to be read and for me to walk. When I did walk, I heard my sister and grandma scream for me (even though the dean said not to before they handed out diplomas). It was nice to know how much my family supported me. For convocations my sisters and dad were there and after several minutes of confusion, we met up after convocations and hugged and took many pictures. It was really cool, and I felt a little overwhelmed. After that, we met up with Kevin and all had a celebration dinner at Rodizio Grill. The food was awesome and my family and my grandparents gave me cards and very generous gifts, and I can not express how grateful I am for them and for all their support of me throughout my college experience and my whole life. I most definitely could not have done it without them, and I hope they know home much I love and appreciate them. After dinner, we went to Kevin's house for cake and ice cream and it was a lot of fun for all of us.

Saturday morning was a bit crazy because I had to move out and clean my apartment by 10:00AM. It ended up not being too bad, and afterwards I immediately drove to my family's hotel and we proceeded to spend some quality time together for the rest of the day. The day was balanced between fun, lighthearted conversation and serious advice and discussion of my future. I was grateful for my parents words of advice, even if it did make me a little more nervous than I was before about my future. On Sunday, we had a final breakfast together, and then I said goodbye to my family. It was sad because I'm not sure the next time I'll see them. After they left I had a long Sunday by myself in a hotel room since I couldn't move in to my new apartment until Monday morning. It was a day spent reflecting about my past, thinking about my future, and just relaxing after what was a pretty nervewracking week for me.

So, there you have it- my crazy week of finals and graduation. It is weird for me to think that I'm done here at BYU. It may not even be true because I'm seriously considering returning here for graduate school. So, I'm very uncertain about my future at this point, and really all I know is that I must find a job as soon as possible, and that I'll be spending the spring/summer figuring out plans for my future. But, I need to not get discouraged- this is the time for me to truly shine and to make something of myself. I have grown comfortable in my routine of school and work at Independent Study, but I was ready for a change, and I welcome it now. Life is something to be cherished, not dreaded. I hope that I can prove myself in the next few months, and for the rest of my life. It is about time.

The Concert To End All Concerts

Music is extremely special to me and has been a huge part of my life since I was young. This past Saturday night I had one of the most special musical experiences of my life. It was truly amazing to see five of my favorite musicians (Neal Morse, Roine Stolt, Pete Trewavas, Mike Portnoy, and Daniel Gildenlow) come together and play with all their heart. The concert was the perfect example of everything I love about music. There were moments of pure joy, deep spirituality, and flawless performing. I can not say enough to truly express how wonderful the experience was.

But, lets go back to the beginning of the trip. Surprisingly for me, things went pretty smoothly leaving Utah for California. There were no car troubles, speeding tickets or traffic, just an enjoyable drive with my best friend Kevin. I decided since Transatlantic is a super group composed of members of four different bands, that a cool idea would be to listen to an album from each band that these members are a part of regularly. It provided for a lot of great music on the trip, and gave a good balance of time for listening and time for talking. It was honestly one of the quickest drives from Provo to Fontana that I've ever driven.

When we got to my house on Thursday night, my mom was the only family member home, so the three of us went to dinner together to a mexican restaurant and then watched Survivor at my house. It was a pleasant evening, and fun to spend time with my mom. The next day, we spent some time with the rest of my family and all had an awesome homecooked meal and watched Lost. Even though nothing really amazing happened, it was just nice to have some time to spend with my family. I often miss it as I'm at BYU.

Saturday was the big day, and my family left in the early afternoon for my sister's birthday celebration while Kevin and I stayed at my house to wait until it was time to leave for the concert. We watched Iron Man and played pool and got excited about what we were about to experience. We left my house and got to Downey (where the concert was) without any issues. I parked at the theater and Kevin and I walked to a nearby In-N-Out for dinner. As we were walking, we heard the band practicing in the theater and it made us even more excited for the concert that would begin in a few hours. Waiting in the theater for the concert to start was rough since I was so excited for it, but the wait was most definitely worth it.

The band began by playing their latest album, The Whirlwind, in its entirety. When the intro music came on the speakers for The Whirlwind, I could feel the excitement in the room and the audience clapped and cheered for Transatlantic as they came on stage. All of The Whirlwind was incredible- it made me appreciate the album even more than I already do. What was cool was that certain parts of the album that I considered weaker (like, for example, track 2- The Wind Blew Them All Away) were really awesome live and made me realize how incredible those tracks are, enhancing the whole album for me. A big moment was the end of track 11, Is It Really Happening?, which is extremely difficult to play, but the band pulled it off incredibly. This was the first live performance of this album, and the first live performance by the band in almost 9 years, and it was practically flawless. I'm still amazed by it.

After playing this close to 80 minute song, there was an intermission and the band promised that they weren't even half done yet! They came back after about 20 minutes and played all their great epics- All of the Above, Duel with the Devil and Stranger in Your Soul along with two of their shorter "ballads"- We All Need Some Light and Bridge Across Forever, which were great and heartfelt. They even switched the lead singer for We All Need Some Light, which was really cool. All of the music was incredible, I was amazed at how the band could pull off all of this complex intricate music with less than a week of rehearsal. You can tell that there is a special musical chemistry amongst these band members. They had a lot of fun and really felt the music they played. I loved looking at their expressions, especially those of Neal Morse who was performing directly in front of Kevin and I. He is my musical hero and he proved why during this concert. I could see the emotion on his face, especially during the encore of Bridge Across Forever and Stranger In Your Soul. Several times throughout the concert I really felt the music strongly and had the emotion of it wash over me. It was an incredible experience.

After the concert, Kevin and I talked the whole ride home about how awesome it was and picked up Oreo Shakes at Jack In The Box. I'm really glad that Kevin was there to share the experience, and I'm happy to know someone that loves music as strongly as I do. We left for Utah the next day, and now I'm back in Utah and have to focus on finals and graduation. It was a fun vacation before this final stretch of my time as an undergraduate at BYU. The next few weeks should be interesting as I graduate and focus on finding a job. I feel like this concert experience refreshed me and now I can better face the difficult things ahead. How can life be a bad thing when it contains music that is this awesome?

Transitioning

Well, I promised I would start writing in my blog more regularly- so here is a new post! Do I have anything worth saying? Hmmm…that is the tough question. I covered my dilemma about what to do with my future in my last post, so I’m not sure I want to get into that anymore. I’ll just say that I’ve decided that the best plan for me after graduation is to find an affordable apartment here in the Provo area and find a job. Mainly it just involves me finding the right apartment (which needs to be soon since I am going to have to leave my current apartment in less than two weeks) and applying to as many jobs as I can hoping that one will accept me. Once I get settled into this apartment and job situation, I can start seriously considering future school plans (such as graduate school). So, that is the plan for now. Nothing groundbreaking, but it helps give me some kind of direction since it seems that everyone around me is worried about my future. I know they are just looking out for me, but sometimes it unnecessarily adds to the worry that I already have.

I have my final classes at BYU, at least as an undergraduate, this week. Tomorrow will be my last class, and then I have two finals the next week. Before I think about my finals, though, I’m going to California this weekend to see my favorite band, Transatlantic. This is a huge deal because this band haven’t performed live for 8 years, in fact, I didn’t think I would ever see them perform live since I discovered the band after they stopped touring and essentially split up. But, thankfully for me, they reunited last year, released one of my favorite albums of all time, The Whirlwind, and are now performing live less than an hour from my house in California this Saturday. It is truly a dream come true, and I still am having a hard time believing that it is real. I should have some fun things to report about it in my blog entry next week.

Besides that I’ve just been enjoying my last few classes at BYU. I spent a lot of time last week on a paper for my research class- in fact that was my last paper as an undergraduate, which is pretty cool. So, besides school and work, I’ve spent my free time doing the average stuff- watching shows, listening to music, and hanging out with Kevin. A frustrating part of last week was that my internet decided to stop working on my laptop. I connect to the BYU internet connection through an ethernet cord in my room in my apartment. Well, lately they have been requiring that you have the latest windows updates and an up to date anti-virus program. Well, I thought I was meeting these requirements, but the internet connection wouldn’t work. To make matters more difficult, my wireless doesn’t work (regularly) on my laptop, so I can’t even get online to try to find the updates I need to be able to connect. So, it is frustrating and making things a bit more difficult, but that’s life.

I wish I had something more interesting to say, it is bad sign when the most interesting thing I can think of to talk about is my bad internet connection. I’m hoping that things will start looking up and be more interesting as my job search heats up. Oh! And I guess another thing I should mention is that I achieved a goal of mine this past week- I actually wrote in my novel this week! It wasn’t much, but it is still exciting that I’m getting the writing bug again. Hopefully it’ll lead to more writing in the near future.

I'm still obsessed with Lost and the episode this past week was a classic Lost episode showing the connection between the sideways and island world. There have been theories that involve how those in one reality may need to move to the other, or at least combine somehow with the other. Essentially, they need to transition from one reality to another. I feel I'm in a similar transitioning state, I need to move from one reality (the BYU student reality) and into another (the real job reality). I'm starting to see signs from the next reality pop up in my life now because the barrier between the two is thinning since the transition is occuring so soon. These signs scare me because I want to stay in the current reality because I have grown comfortable in it. However, I need to face this transition with positivity, learning from my previous reality, and hopefully come into a new, more meaningful reality. (Sorry about this weird tangent trying to connect my life to the latest Lost episode, but I wanted to flex my creative muscles and somehow connect this post to the title and picture. Also, sorry to those who may read this that don't watch Lost, because I'm sure this makes absolutely no sense. Don't worry, it doesn't make much sense to those who watch the show either.)

And, I guess that is about it for now. I’ll hopefully have more to say next week.

Mindrevolutions

“Time is high. Now's the time
For a mindrevolution.
You can change and it starts
Like a wave deep inside.
Everything you send out
Will come back to the giver
With the blind eyes of love
You're saving your soul
And the world.” – from Mindrevolutions by Kaipa

It has indeed been a long time since I’ve written here, and, as always, I apologize for that. For some reason I just can’t get myself into a normal routine of writing, whether it be a blog, a journal, or a novel. I love writing, it is certainly one of my passions, but for some reason I have a difficult time motivating myself. Luckily, there is always time to change and I can promise to start now. Of course, based on previous experience, that just means that I’ll write this week and maybe another week, and then stop again for a long period. Hopefully the past doesn’t repeat itself, and I really can get into a good routine. Its time for me to change. As Kaipa would put it, it is time for a mindrevolution.

I am at a crucial point in my life, at a time when everything is about to change. I have become comfortable in my routine of attending classes at BYU and working at Independent Study, going home to California occasionally for a summer, holiday or concert. However, now I’m graduating, which means no more BYU and no more student job at Independent Study. This change is occuring in about a month’s time, and to be honest I’m very scared of the future right now because I really don’t have any concrete plans. I’m beginning the job search now, but so far it doesn’t seem promising due to a bad job market and a difficult undergraduate degree. It seems that to be able to do anything with a Psychology degree one must have a masters or PhD, which I won’t have anytime soon. I may have made a mistake by not immediately enrolling into a graduate program, but I wanted a break from school, a chance to earn some money so I can better afford graduate school, and, to be honest, I was afraid that I wouldn’t be able to get in due to not having the strongest GPA, and not having made the appropriate connections to be able to get good recommendation letters.

But, the reality of things is that I’m not going to be able to get into a graduate program for at least a year, so I need to figure out a plan in the meantime which must require getting a job and living on my own. My hope is to find a decently priced apartment in the Provo/Orem area, find a good job in this area, and start saving money for Graduate School. Hopefully this can happen; I’ve only had one job, so I’m not very experienced in finding new jobs, but I’m sure I’ll get something if I seek dilligently enough. But, obviously my future has been a very pressing issue on my mind and I’m constantly worrying about it.

As for what has been happening to me so far this year, I must admit it has been pretty average. I have settled into a pretty predictable routine of school, work, and hanging out with Kevin in my freetime. It seems like the last few months have gone by incredibly fast- probably because of my fear of this semester being over and having to face a huge change in my life. I have done really well in my classes this semester and have kept my grades up. Kevin, Erin and I have gotten together pretty much every Tuesday for Lost and for several Fridays for our usual Disney Movie Night. It has been a lot of fun, and refreshing to me that I can still be really good friends with Erin even though we went through a breakup. The plan is still intact for the three of us to go to Disneyworld, although Erin will already be there since she is doing an internship at Disneyworld starting at the end of May. It’ll be sad for her to be gone, but I know she’ll be happier there, so I’m happy for her.

In my last blog entry, I talked about how hard things were, and indeed things only got harder after that entry. I was depressed often for the majority of the past few months and I felt it start to affect my life. I went to Las Vegas to witness my parent’s vow renewal, and I feel like I sort of ruined the trip because of the sad mood I was in. I could tell that my family sensed I wasn’t myself. My mom since has been trying to think of everything she could do to help me improve, but not much was helping me. I lost hope. I felt that “the good life” just wasn’t for me and I would have to settle for a mediocre life of loneliness and disappointment. It is a pretty bleak outlook, but that’s how I felt. I did have moments of happiness, such as hanging out with Kevin, attending my classes, which I enjoy immensely, watching several shows that I love (including a new obsession called Buffy the Vampire Slayer) and, as always listening to music.

Speaking of music, a new band that I’m currently obsessed with is a band called Kaipa. The lyric that started out this blog entry is from a song by them that I think is a brilliant masterpiece. I think I need what they call a mindrevolution- I need to completely change my way of thinking so that I can come out of this depression and into a happier, more optimistic place. “You can change.” I’m not doomed, I can change, and I can save my own soul in the process. I have been improving over the last several weeks and I already feel this mindrevolution taking place. Now is the best time for change as a lot of things are changing in my life. I just need to make sure it is a positive change, not one that drags me down even further in the depths of despair. But, I’m gaining confidence and optimism, and I feel the change is coming and I’m about to make some great progress. Things are looking up, that’s for sure.

Hard Times

Ok, now that I've reviewed last year, I think it would make sense now to jump in to the events that have occurred so far this year. To be honest (and why wouldn't I be honest in my own blog?) it has been a tough couple of weeks for me. For the first couple of days of the year I was still spending Christmas break at home with my family. We had a fun New Year's Day, and decided to go see Avatar as a family. The theater was crazy and many of the shows were sold out, but we managed to get tickets to a showing, and my sister Lauren and I stood in a huge line to get into the theater. This was my second time seeing the movie and it just solidified my opinion that this is the greatest movie of 2009. My family seemed to all like it as well.

After the fun at home, I had to return back to BYU for my final semester as an Undergraduate! I was excited to get the semester started and work on several goals that I had set for myself (aka New Year's Resolutions). Unfortunately, when I got back to Utah, my girlfriend called and broke up with me. I don't want to dwell on this too much, but it was a difficult thing for me to deal with. I have a tendency to blame myself for everything that goes wrong in my life so I had a hard time accepting that I wasn't the one at fault and that it was truly the reason she gave- that she isn't ready for a relationship at this time. There are two main things that are getting me through this tough break up. One is the hope that maybe someday I can start dating her again once she is ready to be in a relationship. The other is my friendship with Kevin.

Kevin has really been there for me at this time and I am so grateful for his kindness and friendship. He has taken a lot of time out of his busy schedule to hang out with me and get my mind off dwelling on the break up and the potential things I did to cause it. We have had many fun experiences in the past couple weeks. First of all, we went and saw Sherlock Holmes and it was really good! It was a great, fun movie that was a fun puzzle to figure out. A highlight for me of the past couple weeks was when Kevin and I went to Salt Lake to eat at The Roof restaurant and see the Joseph Smith movie. This had been a goal of ours for quite some time but it seemed that something always interfered with our plan. Well, I think we finally broke the curse by doing another thing that we always talk about- playing the Lost board game.

The food at The Roof was incredible and the Joseph Smith movie was even more incredible- it really showed me the huge sacrifice that Joseph Smith made to help bring about the great church we have today. Another fun thing that Kevin and I did was go to the IMAX theater at Jordan Commons on Monday to see Avatar. Yes, this was the third time I saw the movie, and I was still just as impressed seeing it a third time. It was the first time Kevin had ever been to the IMAX theater, so it was a fun experience, and I think he might have liked the movie.

I just can't express how lucky I am to have such a great friend who can help me through difficult times. Besides the fun we've been having, I did start school and it seems like it is going to be a good semester. I have only three classes. One of them is a fun class- Music Appreciation. I love music and I wanted a more laid back class for my last semester so I could focus on my two harder classes. My other class is a Psychology class called Personality. The teacher is Dr. Slife, who I had last semester, and he is an incredible teacher. He manages to make these really complex psychological concepts easy to understand.

The final "class" is actually doing research in Psychology for a professor here at BYU. I had a lot of difficulty finding a research opportunity, which scared me because I need it to graduate. I signed up to work with a certain teacher, but he e-mailed me and said that he isn't doing research this semester. I signed up with a different teacher who e-mailed me the same thing. In desperation, I got an e-mail from the psychology department about a research opportunity, so I jumped at the chance and ended up getting on a research team with this group and I'm excited about it. It will take some time this semester, but it should be fun.

Besides that there isn't much more to say for now. I am setting a lot of goals right now because I need things to work on to get my mind off the sad things I'm dealing with, and I need to improve in many areas. I'm hoping that I can lift my spirits this semester and become a better person at the end of it by working on several goals. I feel more hopeful this week than I have the previous two weeks, so that is encouraging to me and I'm hoping this positivity will remain with me.

2009 In Review

I feel bad that I stopped updating this blog these past few months. The reasons are a combination of just being too busy, being discouraged by the fact that not many people read this blog, and that my life is just not that interesting. However, I feel writing in this blog is important because it gives me an opportunity to document the significant events of my life and reflect on what has happened. I feel that before I can start regularly updating my blog again, I need to have closure about what occurred last year. So, I'm going to use this blog entry to recap my 2009, which I consider to be one of the best years of my life.

Starting from the beginning, which I'll admit is a little hazy, I had a great winter semester and the best part of it was being able to be roommates with my best friend, Kevin. Now, of course, it wasn't all wonderful- we had a mutual roommate that we both got annoyed with frequently, we had issues with cleaning checks, and I feel I let Kevin down a few times throughout the semester, which makes me sad. But, we really did have many great moments watching movies and shows, making interesting meals and desserts, and having fun experiences in the ward. The semester itself contained some difficult classes, but also some fun ones including my creative writing class with Brandon Sanderson which taught me how to have a more regular routine of writing my book and taught me how to take constructive criticism. It also caused me to be slightly discouraged about the possibility of a writing career, but I did discover that I really love to write.

The other great class I had during winter semester was Church History with Brother Fluhman. I love Brother Fluhman because he is able to be extremely funny and spiritual at the same time, making for an extremely entertaining and meaningful class. Many of my most spiritual experiences of the year occurred in this class and I'm grateful for his dedication as a teacher. I feel I finished the semester strong even though I felt discouraged throughout the semester. During Spring and Summer I decided to stay in Utah and continue taking classes and working so that I could keep busy and get ahead in school. I think this was one of my best decisions, even though it was sad that I wasn't able to be with my family throughout the spring and summer as I usually am able to do.

Ironically, though, I probably visited home more times than I ever had in previous years, I just didn't generally stay at home for very long when I visited. During Spring I had maybe my most awesome set of roommates I've ever had in college and I had a lot of fun and enjoyed my two Psychology classes. During Summer I didn't enjoy my roommates quite as much, and it was a tougher situation for me because I worked full-time and didn't have any classes. But, I still made the most of it. One significant part of the summer to me was becoming friends with Erin. I went to the 4th of July Stadium of Fire with her and would come over to her house and watch So You Think You Can Dance. It was a fun time and nice to have two really strong friends to spend time with during the summer when I felt kind of alone due to not really connecting with my roommates. At the end of the summer, I went home to see a concert with my Dad called Prog Nation that featured Dream Theater. I went to California for concerts two other times during the year with Kevin to see Rewiring Genesis and CalProg. All of those concerts were fantastic and are highlights of my year. Another musical highlight of the year was the reunion of my favorite band, Transatlantic, and them coming out with one of my new favorite albums- The Whirlwind.

The fall semester last year, to be honest, was mostly about Erin. We dated during the last four months of the year and had some great experiences. Memorable to me was our trip to Disneyland. The three of us, me, Kevin and Erin, spent the weekend at my house in California and on the Saturday of that weekend went to Disneyland and had a fantastic time- it was perhaps the best time I've ever had at Disneyland. The next day we just stayed at my house and played games and had fun visiting with each other. It was great. Before I left for Christmas break, another memorable experience was taking Erin to dinner and to see Avatar and then exchanging gifts. It was a great way to end the semester and was a magical night to me. After that, I went home for Christmas break and was grateful to feel the love my family has for each other.

All in all, 2009 was an incredible year with plenty of memories that I will cherish forever. I was happy to share many of those memories with my two best friends and with my family. I realized throughout the year, and especially at the end, that life is a wonderful thing not to be taken for granted and that I am a good person despite when I tell myself otherwise. I am excited by the prospect of starting this new year and I have some exciting goals that I hope will make 2010 even better.