The Garden of Forking Paths

I feel lost. I feel alone. I don't know what to do with myself and it scares me. I've always had a routine to numb me from the fear of an unknown future. My routine is being stripped away and I'm soon about to face my greatest fear. I don't know how to handle it. Every reminder of what is coming is like a dagger to my heart. Why do I feel this void of emptiness? What can I do to fill this void?

Hopelessness is one of the worst feelings one can experience and I feel it about to consume me. I don't have any clear direction for my life. I feel extremely overwhelmed and don't feel I am appropriately prepared for the future ahead of me. I wish I was brave. I wish I was confident. But, I sadly am not.

I feel like I am losing everything. My friends. My family. My comfort. Soon I will truly be alone and that thought terrifies me. I definitely feel that a chapter in my life is ending and the blank pages that are the next chapter stare at me menacingly, daring me to write on them. I wish I could have built myself a better foundation so that this turning point in my life wouldn't be so scary. However, I have allowed comfort and fear keep me from preparing appropriately and I'm paying the price now.

Life is like a garden of forking paths. Every choice gives multiple possibilities to where life can lead. There are an infinite amount of possible futures based on the decisions we make. Some are more likely than others, but oftentimes life is unpredictable and a path you would have never expected ends up being the path you follow. Right now I have a big decision to make, a forking path where I could go one of many directions. I just hope I make the right choice and go down a pleasing path that will lead to fulfillment. If only I could have a flash forward and see myself in several years (or months even) to give some idea of where I'll be, or even give me some measure of confidence about where my life is headed. But, a vision of the future could be a curse as I bring to pass that future just because I have seen it and believe that my future has been determined. This would be especially bad if my vision of the future wasn't the most appealing- it could lead to despair and more hopelessness.

The future is not set. It is ever changing depending on the choices that are made. The forking paths lead to infinite possibilities and I need to make the choices that will lead me down the most fulfilling pathway. I need to not view this as terrifying, but as exciting. There are many possibilities for me in my life, many of which are positive and full of happiness. I need to focus on these positive possibilities and not feel like my life has already been predetermined down a path of misery and loneliness. As I try to change my view, I will "smile and act like everything is alright" even though I am in turmoil inside. There are still glimpses of my past chapter that will keep me satisfied until I write the new one. The danger, however, is staying in the same chapter and never moving on due to fear, staying perpetually stuck in the beginning of the book of life and not having a satisfying ending.

Note: This blog post is mainly due to having a boring week without much to write about and wanting to exercise my creative juices. I'm not depressed, just scared of an unknown future as I'm sure many in my position are.